I feel like there’s a definitely pattern with JRPG protagonists, not all of them by any means, but a substantial number, where on the one hand they’re a power fantasy for shy teen and twentysomething nerd guys, so every woman wants them, but also they’re a subject of identification for shy etc., so they wind up being so unassertive that they practically never actually do anything about this fact.
It’s like, finally you too can live the dream of friendzoning every eligible lady in the kingdom.
My archeology class has really given me a renewed and visceral hatred of ancient aliens shitheads literally the laziest and most incurious and thoroughly racist pseudoscience in existence
Archeologists: the sarcophagus lid of Pakal the Great depicts the moment of his transformation from a living lord to a sacred ancestor, literally poised between life and death along the axis of the World Tree as he descends into the underworld. It’s a beautiful and stunning piece of art providing an unparalleled glimpse of Maya cosmology.
Literally the stupidest person alive: it spaceship
Imagine evolving capsaicin specifically to stop mammals from eating your fruits, and then a mammal comes along that not only will eat your fruits, but likes them specifically because of the capsaicin, so much that it starts using its weird paws to distribute and care for your seeds, which turns into a strong selective force that literally starts evolving you into producing MORE capsaicin and makes you a WAY more successful and wider ranged species than you ever were before
simply because this mammal LOVES Pain Chemical. that evolved specifically to produce pain in mammals. It’s not that the capsaicin isn’t WORKING. It’s just that these freaks like it.
This is the same mammal with social instincts so goddamn strong that they literally try to form social bonds with their predators, and end up evolving the predators into a new species that fits into their social communities as a form of mutualistic symbiosis, and exists in several different forms with unique morphology and behaviors based on the function they perform.
Instead of, I don’t know, EVOLVING TO BE FASTER, this animal finds a faster animal and sits on it. Which shouldn’t even work because the faster animal is a prey animal and this animal is a predator, but SOMEHOW they FORM A SOCIAL BOND WITH THE PREY. So they can sit on it while it runs fast. And somehow the prey animal?? is cool with this?? and benefits from this relationship???
Literally how can you hate humans. Humans are possibly the most hilarious thing evolution has ever done.
other things humans have done
eat poison plants, decide they like getting poisoned, and evolve the plants to poison them more
evolve to not have hair, but they find mammals with thick fluffy hair and put the hair on themselves, and evolve the mammals to produce extra hair so they can both have a warm coat of hair
split up their parasitic lice species into two separate species because they start taking other animals’ hair and putting it on themselves so much
learn how to set things on fire on purpose. maintain body temperature by just standing beside some wood that’s on fire instead of literally any normal option
figure out that their prey tastes better and is easier to digest when they hold it over a fire after killing it. get smarter because they digest food so good after it’s been held over a fire.
find a poisonous plant and try washing it in boiling water until they don’t die when they eat it anymore
go across the ocean by making a floating nest despite not being able to breathe underwater, drink ocean water, or even swim naturally
drink milk from other mammals even though they can’t digest it and it makes them sick. Evolve those mammals to produce more milk than their babies can drink so they can drink the milk. Some members of the species evolve to be able to digest milk because they were so hellbent on drinking it.
find flowers, bugs and minerals that are nice colors and crush them up to try to turn other things that color
eat mushrooms that make their nervous systems malfunction because they like malfunctioning their nervous systems
humans worldwide looking up into the celestial vault of stars a million light years away, separated from Earth by the deadly cold and emptiness of space: I bet there are guys up there to form social bonds with
First contact was going surprisingly well and no one could figure out why, until we found out about the five animals.
“There’s what?” Dr Grace Jones asked, politely, standing on the White House Lawn.
“All five animals,” the alien zoologist repeated, cheerfully. It ate another fancy little sandwich. The President was taking pictures with the Captain, and the zoologist had snuck off to raid the buffet and talk shop with the scientists. “It’s nice to see a planet with the whole bunch! Must keep you guys pretty busy, huh?”
“There are a few more than five animals here,” Dr Grace Jones said, slowly and carefully.
“Really? Where are you keeping them?” the alien zoologist asked, interested. “We’ve been all over the galaxy and never found more than five.”
“I think,” Dr Grace Jones said, “you should list the animals for me. We’re having translation problems.”
“Oh, sure,” the alien zoologist–his name was something like Chem–said. “Tubes, vermin, small edible, furniture, and water.”
“Water?”
“Yeah, you know, water. Part of the water. You find them underneath the oceans and lakes. You guys definitely have that one.”
“That one.”
Chem finally seemed to get the idea that they were not communicating. “Something weird must be going on with our translation,” he said. “Do you not have words for any of these things? A tube is something that’s long, with a hole from one end to the other.”
“We have tubes, yes. So. Hm.” Dr Grace Jones looked haplessly around the lawn, then pointed at a nearby sparrow. “We call that a bird,” she said. “There are thousands of different kinds of birds.”
“Oh! Local dialects do get pretty ornate,” Chem said, relaxing. “I think the translator’s working just fine, then. That’s a vermin. It’s eating your food, see? If you want I can set you up with our zoology module on the ship. It only takes a couple hours to get properly certified.”
“…so you’re not really a zoologist?”
“What? No. I’m really the ship’s zoologist. I have a lot of downtime between navigating and piloting because most of the time you’re just waiting for the ship to get through all the empty bits, y’know, in space, so I pick up other certs when I’m bored. I get double pay for any cycle the Captain needs an animal consult. You would not believe the amount of animals that look like rocks, out there.”
Dr Grace Jones finally, belatedly, eats her tiny sandwich, then drinks her lukewarm champagne. Then she says, very carefully, “On Earth it takes us years to get a degree in any field of biology, zoology, animal behavior. To say nothing of the kind of study veterinarians have to do.”
“Well, you locals seem to like things rustic out here, so I’m sure there’s some inefficiencies in the process,” Chem said, and gave her a bracing pat on the shoulder. “Don’t worry. I’ll get you that module. We can sort it all out by dinner.”
“Thanks,” Dr Grace Jones said. She stared at the crumbs on her empty plate, then asked, “…What animal do you consider humans?”
Chem stared at her, then her crumbs, then the sparrow, evidently confused by her confusion.
“A slice of bread, a piece of cheese, piece of raw vegetable or fruit: you’re blasted by a cleansing gust of ascetic wind. This simple and flavorless pairing is actually the everyday lunch of some foreigners.”
Image text: “White people food”
中国网友还给这样的饮食方式起了一个名，叫做”白人饭“（white people food）。所谓的白人饭特点就是，“冷的“、”素的”、”分量少的“，基本上就是”花最少的功夫准备，仅仅能维系基本器官正常运作“的食物（require the least amount of effort to substain vital signs）。
“Chinese netizens have given this cuisine a name, ‘白人饭’ (white people food). "The characteristics of so-called white people food are 'cold,’ 'vegetarian,’ 'small portions,’ and truly 'requiring the least amount of effort to sustain vital signs’ food.”
“In other words, white people’s food is the kind that doesn’t involve cooking, with just one kind of seasoning, if not salt and pepper, then just the direct addition of mayonnaise or ketchup. "Originally, the concept of white people food started with Chinese netizens living overseas. It was because they used social media to expose their white coworkers’ lunches — a few carrots and some raw spinach.”
OP’s tweet reads: “This is my coworker’s lunch. A few carrots and some spinach. They already have the ability to produce their own energy without eating food.”
Comment 1: “I think since they like suntanning so much, they must be using photosynthesis”
Comment 2: “They depend on therapists to keep them alive”
“Unknowing spectators may mistakenly think that these are freshly washed vegetables about to be chopped and cooked. While Chinese netizens, accustomed to 'lunch means a hot meal’, view their white coworkers’ lunches as unimaginable.”
OP’s tweet reads: “My Danish coworker brought something new again. No spinach today, just two carrots and a pepper. They’re evolving.”
Comment: “Why do they eat like they’re putting gas in their cars. Pour it in to be able to go”
OP’s tweet reads: “my coworkers lunch is a whole cauliflower! First time I’ve seen a whole cauliflower eaten with a knife and fork after being cooked. He was even surprised that I’d never seen that before. These people haven’t lived”
OP’s tweet reads: “The simplicity of Australian white people food. Everyone knows that Australian white people food is super simple, but when I saw my coworker’s lunch I was still shocked. Mushrooms from the supermarket, straight from the box, added directly to a wrap. I asked him whether mushrooms can be eaten raw. He said he’d been eating them raw for years and was doing fine.”
Comment: “Pretty normal. They even eat green beans raw. 20 years ago, the people at my bro’s place even ate yuanxiao [glutinous rice dough dumplings] uncooked. Anyways, I feel like foreigners don’t like eating food unless they’re about to starve. If they could live on alcohol, they definitely wouldn’t eat at all”
Image text: “Lunch: a head of raw lettuce wrapped around some ham with mustard drizzled on top”
OP’s tweet reads: “I guess I’ve seen the pinnacle of white people food today. The locals always come up with new moves to surprise me”
而反过来，海外的中国网友只是把自己一份普通的午饭带到公司加热，都会引起外国同事的围观和震惊。
“On the other hand, Chinese people living overseas only have to heat up in a normal lunch at the office to invoke the shock and awe of their foreign coworkers.”
OP’s tweet reads: “Re: about my lunch shocking my white coworkers. Everyone knows that white people don’t have taste buds, they only eat to stay alive. "Coworker A: porridges. Oats + honey + milk + salt + microwave for 3 min. "Coworker B: some kind of canned rice + canned tuna, microwave for 2 min. "Coworker C: pita bread with dip; with a couple of cherry tomatoes/cucumber. "Coworker D: mini pizza: base + sauce + cheese, baked "I’ve been here for most of one year, these guys eat the same thing every day. But today was different, today everyone brought food, a boxed proper meal: pasta. But I’m the undefeated mystical Oriental lady, made a whole table [of food] appear in the blink of an eye.”
“In China, the concept of a filling lunch is deeply ingrained in people’s minds, as well as the habit of having a staple of rice or noodles etc. with every meal. But in Europe and the US, lunches are usually simple and light, and they don’t have the custom of taking a siesta, so eating lightly helps maintain focus, prevent drowsiness, and save time. And so, these dietary differences have led to culture shock. "What’s more interesting is, recently the phrase 'white people food’ has spread to become a style of cuisine that everyone is imitating. Netizens have begun a deep dive into all different kinds of white people food. It’s like a door has been opened into a new world.”
OP’s tweet reads: “After entering a state of 'eating to stay alive’, I found out white people food is actually good. Ate the same thing every day and didn’t puke. I just play on my phone a bit and the food is ready. It’s sustenance, that’s all.”
Commenter: “After you give up on the pursuit of flavor, the world will open up to you. Cold vegetables + chicken breast are so good.”
Following this trend going viral, “white people food” got spread to the foreign web. Foreign netizens’ reactions were too funny. One user tweets:
而外国网友不但没有感到被冒犯，反而是早已接受了“白人饭”这个设定，甚至有时候连自己都忍不住吐槽。
“Not only were foreigners not offended, they’ve long since accepted the designation of "white people food”, even going so far as to mock it themselves.
而听说中国网友也兴起了吃白人饭之后，白人网友也不吝赐教，开始分享地道的白人饭做法。
“After hearing about Chinese interest in white people food, white people didn’t hesitate to offer instruction and started sharing recipes for authentic white people food.”
Maybe the real crisis of masculinity is that none of you people have FRIENDS.
The thing that I find most embarrassing about “Crisis in masculinity” narratives is that they’ve been talking about it my entire life and the “solution” has always been to consume: “BUY my book! LISTEN TO my podcast! TAKE these boner pills! JOIN this gym! BUY a big fucking truck! EAT steak! DRINK whisky! COLLECT guns! GET cosmetic surgery to MAKE YOUR HEAD LOOK LIKE A BOX so bitches will want to FUCK you!”
And yet it never seems to be enough, and the reason it never seems to be enough is because there *is* no crisis of masculinity, there’s a crisis of corporate media making men feel insecure so that they can sell them shit. It’s absolutely no different from the cosmetics industry or the diet industry or the fashion industry doing the same to women.
The thing that always gets me- and, admittedly, I am a woman so embarrassingly cis that I have experienced gender dysphoria from jokes about getting cosmetic surgery so it’s easier to shop for clothes, so I may be out of my lane here- is that there is something I personally might call a crisis of masculinity. But they’re nearly backwards about what it is.
The primary result of acting according to Toxic Masculinity behavior norms is to make you miserable. When any behavior that can be seen as vulnerable, feminine, weak, and/or gay can carry a risk of anything from mockery to actual violence, and any need for emotional support is seen as weakness, and literally the only socially acceptable outlet for most emotional needs is a romantic partner but even that relationship is shot through with the fear of being abandoned and humiliated, you end up with a lot of people who don’t have any social or emotional infrastructure to deal with anything. I may not know what it’s like to be a dude, but I do know clinical depression, and when I look at Straight Dudes™, hoo boy do I see a lot of that.
Right-wingers blame their version of the crisis on ~feminism~, but even if you could magically snap gender roles back 200 years, I’d bet most of these guys would be miserable for the same reasons. They’d just be in shitty marriages, never having learned how to communicate or function in a partnership because they never even realized those were skills, and taking their subsequent misery out on a family that hates them back. But it is true that because of feminism, fewer women feel like they have to enter or stay in bad relationships, and more of them are comfortable directly saying that they have standards. I can understand how, to someone who believes that he doesn’t have anything to offer and never will (because of the depression) and that sexual relationships with women are his only viable path to happiness (because the rest of his life sure hasn’t been), becoming a raging misogynist could feel more comfortable and even optimistic than throwing out the possibility that that one path ever really existed.
I sure as hell don’t know how to fix that. As easy as it is to say that dudes who are miserable because they have no friends because they suck should just suck less, toxic masculinity is enforced with violence, and completely relearning how social interaction works isn’t exactly a trivial task even if you don’t have depression pickling your brain.
But I do feel pretty comfortable saying that most of the people talking about a “crisis of masculinity” are making it much worse.
The real eternal struggle is the struggle between the nerd impulse to taxonomise media and the nerd impulse to insist that your favourite media simultaneously occupies every category in any given taxonomy because getting a good grade in being part of categories is something that’s both normal to want and possible to achieve.
Where a snarky nerd variously known as Shadow, Tez, and Lady Nighteyes talks about things. Tag novelist. Draculaposting before it was cool. Expect geekiness, tripled emoticons, JRPGs, and anything else that catches my interest.
Most reblogs are queued. I tag fandoms and try to trigger warn for the basic stuff.
Talk to me about Radiant Historia, but be aware that given the chance, I would set the remake on fire.
